Worst Hard Rock Videos of All Time

This goes out to Johnny, Un, and Dave, who will probably appreciate it more than anyone else.

I'll say it right up front: I fucking hate music videos. They are the crassest of marketing tools, and probably the most insulting to their audience's intelligence (not that the MTV/VH1 crowd really posess an abundence thereof). It has been said that the birth of the music video was the death of rock & roll (and if it hasn't been, I'll say it). Sounds pretty accurate to me. The music video has given rise to the now abominable world of hip-hop, ushered in boy bands & girl groups, and hoisted the MTV VMAs on us all. Thanks to the music video, we now have a music industry where musical talent is secondary, almost irrelevant. Image trumps all. Think about it: Faith No More and Big Country were one-hit-wonders, the Spice Girls were a multi-platinum global sensation.

But as that guy said in that movie that one time, "Them's the fuckin' breaks, kid." For all of it's faults, the music video does have one cardinal virtue: it works. As advertising methods go, few have been as successful. The truth is, music alone played over the radio just does not have the same potency as music attached, in some synchronization, to an appealing image. INXS on the radio in Australia gains a few fans and sells a few records; Michael Hutchence swaggering around the screen in the I Need You Tonight video prompts millions of teenage girls to clear the "I" section at the local record store. The words "radio air play" and "Slayer" are rarely found in the same sentence, but throw in some black & white footage of them thrashing away to the sounds of War Ensemble, looking just like the types of hard-asses all young metalheads would like to imagine themselves to be, and the next thing you know they're headlining arenas on both sides of the Atlantic.

Face it folks, the music video is here to stay. It is an essential of the modern music world. That's why things like these happen.

Just because an artist is great, does not make him photogenic, pretty, or a good actor. This goes double for makers of heavy music. It goes quadruple for makers of heavy music back in the day.

And so, we wind up with otherwise great songs and bands which will be forever linked to some of the most God-awful pieces of crap ever to hit the small screen. Without further ado, I give you the cream of the crap.

10) Ozzy Osbourne- A Shot in the Dark

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Here we see the Great and Powerful Ozz in his pudgy-drunk phase (as opposed to his skinny-smackhead phase or his gay-reality-show phase). The sequined outfit, bare feet, teased hair and troll-like shuffling around the stage would alomost be enough to put this video on the list without any further assistance, but the Ozzman takes it one step further: some poor girl in the audience undergoes an eeerie metamorphosis into the chick from the album cover. Well, actually, into a giant mannequin with a swiveling head and glowing red plastic eyes. Yup. Even a cameo by what appears to be Eddie the Antichrist couldn't save this one.

9) Megadeth- No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Normally, I can't stand movie clips being injected into a video, but the scenes from Wes Craven's Shocker provide a nice distraction from the rest of this video. The brief tribute shot of Alice Cooper is a nice touch too. The niceness ends there. Someone really should have told Dave Mustaine that he just isn't close-up material, no matter how big he makes his hair. Childhood film footage wasn't a great idea either. But the real kicker is this: notice how Dave's lips are out of sync with the song? Word is, he was so fucked up during shooting that that was the best they could get. All shots of him playing guitar had to be shot seperate.

8)Sepultura- Inner Self

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Quite possibly the quintessential example of that first video that every great band wishes they could go back in time and erase. I'll let the vid speak for itself. I could probably do that with all of these vids, but what fun would that be?

7)Metallica- Nothing Else Matters

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The once mighty kings of all that was metal take their first stab at a soft sweet little ballad. The fact that the song even exists is bad enough (I love it, but it was a clear signal of the impending demise of the great Metallica). But who the fuck came up with this video?! "Hey dude, I've got anidea! Let's waste this otherwise beautiful and powerful song on a video so cheap and irrelevent that Sum 41 would cringe!"

6)Grim Reaper- See you in Hell

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Beavis and Butthead was a double edged sword. Without them there would be no Rob Zombie, but most of us would be blissfully ignorant of this video. The song, while awful, does have a certain catchiness I find hard to explain. Kind of like Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns. The video though, has no such redeeming value. They're obviously playing for an imaginary crowd, and even they walked out.

5)Pantera- Cemetery Gates

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The graveside service, the dorky teenager in the James Dean jacket, the twenty-something skinhead priest, and the guitar reflections in the tombstones (kind of ominous, when you think about it). At least after this one, Phil never tried to strike anymore "power ballad" poses in his videos.

4)Anthrax- Black Lodge

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Mark Pellington was catapaulted into fame for directing Pearl Jam's Jeremy video. I don't know why. It sucked. But not as bad as his effort here. Somebody should have told him his job was to promote an album, not some abstract "artistic" vision. He later went on to direct feature films, which were just as bad (remember Arlington Road and The Mothman Prophecies?). The addition of Jenna Elfman was a nice touch though. A poster on Youtube put it best: "They should have just let Jenna dance naked in a cage."

3)Megadeth- Peace Sells

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Three words, friends: HUGE FUCKING LIPS!

The only band to make this list twice, Megadeth showed their cinematic cluelessness early on with this 1986 classic. Arguably one of metal's greatest songs, by one of it's greatest bands. Undeniably one of it's worst videos.

2)Iron Maiden- Holy Smoke

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Iron Maiden, smiling like glam fags in the studio, while Bruce Dickinson sings in a field of yellow flowers to a bunch of preachers with bad teeth. Forget all these damned shock-rock videos, this is the most disturbing shit I've ever seen. And not a trace of Eddie anywhere to be seen.

And finally, the worst video in hard rock history:

1)Judas Priest- Breaking the Law

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It takes alot to beat the other videos on this list, and only Priest has ever managed to do it. They rob a bank with their instruments, including a fully assembled drum kit. Guys, if you want to break the law, you should put your guitars down first. The security guard at the end was playing a cardboard cutout of what was supposed to be a Flying V guitar, but whatever gimp actually assembled it put it together upside down. And nobody noticed until all the shooting was done and the video premiered on TV!!! On top of all that, Rob Halford appears clean shaven and with a full head of red hair. Even back in 1980, you could tell their was a gay leather clad biker in there just itching to come out.

That's about it. I'm sure there are lots of more recent terrible videos that I'm blissfully ignorant of. Truth is, the last time I watched a music video, Ricky Rachtman introduced it. But these will always be the defining examples of why music videos are a bad idea.