Fred Phelps: "The Amish children...are in Hell". Big Whiskey Suspects NAMBLA Affiliation.

So the other day I ran an early delivery to Norristown PA. I decided to take the scenic route to get there. It runs along US routes 30, 202 and 422 across southern PA, from York to Norristown. It also runs just a couple of miles north of Nickel Mines PA, where last week a seriously batshit-crazy wacko named Charles Roberts went into a small, one-room Amish schoolhouse, and murdered five Amish girls, ages 7 through 13. The day I made this run was the day of the girls' funerals.

I did not see the processions taking place. In fact, few did. Most of the roads leading to the Nickel Mines area were closed to traffic. Even the press was kept out by PA State Police, and a no-fly zone was enforced in the airspace over the area. This was primarily done to respect the privacy of the Amish community, and keep the local and national press from making a circus out of these peoples' grief and mourning (left to their own devices, the media are a shameless bunch and would have descended like jackals on the otherwise quiet town). But it was also done to prevent controversial "protests" that may well have led to violence. At the heart of this matter, was the infamous Fred Phelps.

If you don't know who Fred Phelps is...well, you're lucky. But your luck just ran out. Fred Phelps (his official title is pastor, but as a Christian man I refuse to sully the term by associating it with this cocksucker) is the head of Westboro Baptist "Church" (again, I hate to dirty the word) in Topeka Kansas. You may have heard of him and some of his followers going around the country "protesting" at the funerals of American servicemen killed in action in the middle east. They scream obscenities at the family of the dead, hold up signs which say things like "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" and "Thank God for 9/11" and all other manner of reasonably sickening shit. It is their firmly held belief that God hates America. The reason? Well let me put it this way: their websites are God Hates Fags.com, and its offshoot God Hates America.com.

Yes, I realize I just gave them free publicity by posting links to their sites. I also happen to believe that the readers of this column (both of you) are intelligent and independent minded enough to read their tripe and see it for exactly what it is.

Yup. That's about the sum total of it. Apparently, since we don't execute queers in this country, God hates us and has "cursed this nation." Funny, because the last time I looked, this was the biggest, strongest, richest and most powerful nation in the history of planet Earth. We're so awash in wealth and opportunity that people from all over the world break their balls and risk their lives to get here. Our political and economic systems have been the most stable and resounding success stories in human history, and have become so in a comparatively miniscule amount of time. The number one health problem among our so-called poor is obesity. Damn, that's some lame-assed, downright pathetic cursing, right there. One could mistake a curse like that for untold blessing.

The Phelps clan are absolutely obsessed with fags. According to them, every last little thing that goes wrong in this great land is a direct act of God aimed at smiting this nation for its tolerance of homosexuality, or more accurately, the continued breathing of homosexuals. Earthquakes, tornados and hurricane Katrina? All because of fags. Dead soldiers in Iraq? God struck them down because "the American army is a fag army" (yes, that's a direct quote). The Shuttle Columbia, the West Virginia coal mine collapse, September 11th, you name it. All because we allow queers to exist.

Honestly, with an obsession this potent, I have to wonder whether Phelps's indignance is born of anger and rage, or of shame and self-loathing. You know what I mean.

Anyway, apparently it is the Phelps clan's position that the massacre at the Amish school was yet another act of God's great wrath against America. They spoke publicly of plans to travel to PA and stage one of their tasteless demonstrations at the funerals of these little girls. I don't know exactly what the signs for that one would have read, but on their GHA site they write:

"Face it, They're in Hell! The Amish children from Pennsylvania are even now in hell. Stop spreading the lie that they were innocent. They were just as degenerate and deserving of hell as the pervert who killed them."

I reckon that would have been the gist of it.

Fortunately, it didn't happen. Fox News Channel contributor Mike Gallagher struck deal with Phelps: Phelps and his clan stayed away from the funerals, and Gallagher gave Phelps a full hour of his nationally syndicated radio talk show to rant and rave and make as big an asshole out of himself as he wanted. Gallagher has taken a bit of flack for this, from people on both the left and right sides of the political spectrum. Personally, I don't see what the problem is. Yes, Gallagher gave this sick pillowbiter a forum to spew his hate and bile. But his words fell on the ears of an intelligent and hostile audience who are usually well informed and not easily swayed by the screaming of seething freaks. Gallagher, like me, figured his audience was smart enough to see Phelps for the disturbed, confused, closet fanny-bandit he is (or maybe just fantasizes about being). One might also consider how small an audience Gallagher has, and how much more exposure Phelps would have gotten had there been a scene at the funerals, and the insatiable exploiters of misery in the TV news racket had been there to put it on the air (which you know they would have).

But most importantly, the girls were laid to rest, in ceremonies both peaceful and dignified. I reckon that's probably how God prefers to receive His children.

Truck drivers, on the other hand, are a different story. As I rolled back east along 30, the CB was crackling with the voices of drivers heading the same way (30 makes a great toll and scale free alternative to parts of the PA turnpike), talking about the event, the funerals, the Amish, and the Fred Phelps Society for Closet Butt-Pirates. A group of about a dozen or so had determined they would hold up at a few spots in Lancaster county, near the funeral routes, and use their trucks (as well as, likely, their fists, breaker bars, chains, etc.) to contain the protesters if needed (read: "if given any remote chance to do so"). It sounded like a great idea to me. I doubt the PA State Police would have agreed. Generally, drivers will defer to cops. But make no mistake: truck drivers are crazy. Especiallythe OTR dogs who haven't seen home in months. Give them a dramatic enough Cause, anything from stuff like this to a car fire on the side of the freeway, and you will find drivers exiting their trucks and jumping right into the middle of it like damned fools. Not all of them, but more than enough. Never get on the bad sides of people who live in boxes, shower at gas staions, and carry sledgehammers.

Above, shots from a Phelps clan protest of The Laramie Project performance in Durham NC. The carpet muncher up top is Phelps's granddaughter, Sarah. The sore-assed fellow in the red poncho is Phelps's son, Jonathan, who reportedly was actually yelling "Save the Gerbils!" at that very protest. Below, Fred Phelps describing to reporters how he gets a chubby watching Harry Potter movies (ok, I made that one up).

Pope Survives Meeting with Muslims. Big Whiskey Loses Bet.

"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." -Manuell II Paleologus, Emporer Rome pars Orientis

I see today that Pope Benedict XVI survived his meeting with numerous delegates and ambassadors of Islam from practically everwhere. I was thinking of going down to St. Joe's, and seeing if I could get a pool going with the local clergy as too whether or not they would assasinate the supreme pontiff. If you really think about it, it's a made-for-Vegas scenario. Who will do it? What country will he be from? Will it be a Shiite, a Sunni, a Palestinian or a Wahabbi? Will he use a knife, gun, or just detonate himself? The possibilities are endless.

Actually, any attempt on the Pope's life would likely be just that - a failed attempt. Those Swiss Guards may wear some stupid looking uniforms, but they are genuine badasses culled from the army of Switzerland, and are not to be screwed with.

But either way, as it stands the Pope survived the meeting. No one made any attempt on his life whatsoever. The wake-up call if they had may very well have better served the Holy Catholic Church.

OK, for those of you who spent last week in a cave, Pope Benedict XVI gave a speech in Germany, during which he quoted a few bits by Emporer Manuel II, of the Byzantine (East-Roman) empire, including the line that began this essay. With all the shockingness of a western sunset, Musilms all over the world became indignant at the idea that someone might think of them as violent, and began calling for the death of the Pope for saying it. Equally predictable was the Vatican's pitiful and limp-wristed response, which basically amounted to oh-please-don't-get-angry-isms and a bit of shameless ass-kissing. The Pope couldn't stress enough that Manuell II's words did not "express [his] personal convictions," and stated his "total and profound respect for all Musilms."

What a load of shit.

First off, as a lifelong Catholic of the Irish persuasion, it is my belief that a Pope should never be afraid to piss people off. If I can do it, then so can the captain of Christianity's flagship. So long as what he says is truthful and accurate, then screw it. If the truth hurts, tough shit. The Pope is a servant of God, arguably the one with the most responsibility leveled on him in that capacity. He cannot shy away from the truth, or from angering those who don't like it. He cannot be all things to all people. I expect better of my pontiff than I do of my politicians.

Of course, an apology would indeed be in order had he said anything that was inaccurate. But did he? Nope, methinks not. For one, he was quoting someone as part of a lecture, only part of which dealt with Islam. The quote was accurate, so far as I know. Furthermore, Islam's love of the sword has been well documented throughout its roughly 1400 year history. The Moores in Spain, the Ottoman Empire across northern Africa and as far into Europe as Austria, not to mention the domination of nearly the entire middle east. Even Mecca, the holiest city of Islam, only became that way after Mohammed and the followers he had amassed in Medina forcibly conquered it (the process took close to a decade). To this day, we see endless examples of Muslim violence and bloodshed aimed at infidels of all stripes and, quite often, each other. Hindus in Kashmir, Christians in Indonesia, Jews in Isreal, riots and violent demonstrations in Paris, London, Denmark, and Amsterdam.

Thus far, I'm having trouble seeing where indignant Muslims have a leg to stand on.

"But Whiskey!" you might say, "none of this is unique to Islam! All sorts of people have been conquering other people for centuries! Even your own beloved Catholic Church has a pretty bloody, sordid history!"

All true. I am well aware of this. As a Catholic boy growing up surrounded by fundementalist Mennonite freaks, I was hardly afforded an opportunity to forget it. Many of the church's medieval exploits are every bit as aggregious as those of Muslims. However, allow me to point out a couple of differences:

1) When the Catholics (or the Anglicans, or the Puritans, etc.) did their horrid deeds, they knowingly did so in direct violation of any Christian scripture that ever existed. They defied their Lord with their deeds, and blasphemed Him by doing them in His name. Muslims, on the other hand, honor their god in this way. The Quaran repeatedly states that unbelievers should be fought and killed (9:5 and 9:29 are my favorites), as do various Hadith passages.

2) All those awful things the Catholics et. al. did happened several hundred years ago! It's over, folks. The entire notion of Christian "holy" war is long since dead. The notion of Muslim jihad however, is very much alive and well. For examples of this, go back a couple of paragraphs.

But despite all of this, Pope Benedict both apologizes and insists these aren't his "personal convictions." So what? Let's say they were his own convictions. If so they would be merely words, spoken by a man who has no military (those 100 Swiss guys may be badasses, but they won't be mounting any invasions anytime soon), no real political power anywhere, and poses no plausible threat to anyone. I'd like to think Muslims could leave it at "Jeez, what an asshole!", maybe argue about it with friends over coffee or beer, and forget about it. But no, they do what unruly children always do: throw a temper tantrum. You could mistake them for American college students. Personally, I'd be embarrassed.

What his eminence should do is offer one brief public statement, roughly to the effect of "Grow up and deal with it." Of course, that would probably result in even worse behavior. So instead, he talks about his "total and profound respect for all Muslims." I don't know the Pope personally and I can't read his mind, but something about this line sets off my bullshitometer.

However, the best line from this whole mess comes not from the pontiff, but from one of the rabble rousers. Indonesian Muslim Heri Budianto, who organized and anti-pope rally outside the Palestinian embassy in Jakarta, opines:

"Of course as we know the meaning of jihad can only be understood by Muslims...Only Muslims can understand what jihad is. It is impossible that jihad can be linked with violence, we Muslims have no violent character."

I'm willing to bet parishoners of two Catholic churches in the West Bank which were firebombed by angry Muslims after the Pope's speech might disagree. So might Sister Leonella Sgorbati, a missionary nun from Italy who was murdered in Mogadishu, also by Muslims demonstrating against the Pope. It is rumored that she audibly forgave her killers before she died. This prompted what may be the only worth while words spoken By Pope Benedict XVI during this whole sorry affair:

"This nun, who for many years served the poor and the children in Somalia, died pronouncing the word 'pardon'...This is the most authentic Christian testimony, a peaceful sign of contradiction which shows the victory of love over hate and evil."

Original story, CNN.com
Vatican's statement
Meeting with Muslim delegates, CNN.com
Pope Praises Sister Leonella