Hooray for Conspiracy Theories!

Last time around, I rated Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, in it's capacity as a Wild Conspiracy Theory, on a scale from nothing to nothing. The book was phenomenal, but the Theory didn't stack up well.

Still, the great WCTs are out there. Personally, I love these things. When taken with a grain of salt, the provoke thought, bend the mind, and are wildly entertaining. When taken too seriously, they provoke paranoia, twist the mind, and are wildly whacked out.

Every major event or development seems to have a WCT to go with it. Hell, even minor events and developments seem too, anymore. Be it the Kennedy assasination (a plot by Hoover, or Johnson, or the chain-smoker from The X Files), the US hockey win over the USSR in the 1982 Olympics (the CIA drugged the Russian goalie), the death of Princess Diana (assasinated by the British Monarchy/MI6 to cover up the fact that she was carrying an Arabic love-child), to the AIDS virus (engineered by Jews and tested on gays to eliminate blacks), theres a Theory for everything.

I reckon people can come up with WCTs for any number of reasons or none at all, but I'd also reckon that they usually arise from one of three:

1) Some people simply like putting together puzzles. This is not a bad trait to have, overall. It usually indicates above average intelligence. They love to assemble the pieces, discern the patterns, see what others miss. This trait is pretty much prerequisite for one to be a detective, doctor, historian, or alike. Problem is, that trait doesn't turn off just because there's no puzzle for it to solve. Sometimes when others don't see it, it's because there's nothing there. When this happens, the mystery oriented mind has a way of manufacturing a problem to solve.

2) Some people just can't handle that bad things happen, and sometimes do so for no fucking reason, or at least not one of the caliber we expect. I for one, was dumbfounded watching the World Trade Center collapse on TV. There was the requisite "oh-my-God-all-those-people" shock, but there was more than that. I wasn't amazed that the buildings fell, no structure has yet been built by man that can't be unbuilt. It was the how, and who that got me. Not a missle, no sophisticated weaponry, not the Red Chinese fucking Army. It was a handful of half-assed desert boys who executed a plan so damned simple, it went right under our noses. We were supposed to be impervious to shit like this, this isn't supposed to happen to us. But we aren't, and it did. Some folk just can't accept stuff like this. There has to be some evil genius super villain, there just has to be. Perhaps it's a problem of overinflated egos. I don't know where anyone gets the idea we're somehow suitable rivals for Lex Luthor. I think it would probably be generous to put us on par with Sideshow Bob.

3)Fixation on a scapegoat. Somebody or some group, which simply must be the root of all evil in the world, and directly responsible for any bad thing that happens. The Freemasons. The Catholic Church. The Jews. The Trilateral Comission. The United Nations. The Military. The Bildebergers. The International Monetary Fund. George W. Bush. Dick Cheney. Bill Clinton. Halliburton. The Government. Most have shady characters or histories, or both. But for the most part, I'd reckon the kind of organization and competence neccesary to pull off the great conspiracies theorized is often beyond those who traditionally get the fingers pointed at them.

I should mention however, that just because someone believes that a group is trying to dominate the world, doesn't neccesarily mean they're not. And just because you're paraniod doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

But, all that notwithstanding, here are a couple of my all time favorite conspiracies.

While running for president in 1980, Ronald Reagan swears he will not take on George Bush as his running mate, and says he will open an investigation into Freemason influence on Congress and national politics. But after a "closed door meeting", Reagan does a 180, takes Bush on and stops talking about the Masons. Shortly after his inauguration, Reagan is shot. Had he died, Freemason George Bush would have become president.

A Masonic conspiracy? Probably not, especially when you consider that Reagan was shot by a nutcase named John Hinckley, who belived that assasinating the president might win him the affections of Jodie Foster (yes, the lousy actress). Hinckley also admitted to having stalked Jimmy Carter on the campaign trail in 1979. Still, it makes you wonder who was whispering in his ear, "do it, John. Jodie hates this guy. If you drop him, she'll lay back and give it up for sure..."

Hurricane Katrina: Bush did it. George W. Bush deliberately withheld federal aid, monetary and otherwise, to citizens of New Orleans. He did this of course because he hates black people and wants them all dead, and all New Orleanians are black. He also sent Navy divers in just before the storm to set bombs at the base of the already outdated levees, to be detonated during the storm so the city would be flooded and kill even more black people.

Actually, if you talk to the right nutjob, Bush sent Coast guard ships in to ram the levees (they did this in the middle of the hurricane, so no one would notice), and conjured the storm himself, either through super-secret expirimental weather-weapons being tested by the military, or perhaps through sorcery. Great. Our president is not only a warmonger, an idiot, a Freemason and an asshole, he's also a warlock. But Bush planting bombs at the bases of the levees? Come on, we all know that was done during the Ford administration and they've just been waiting for the right storm to use as cover.

All narcotics are inventions of the white man specifically designed to destroy the black man. During the Nixon administration, and ever since, the US government has been pumping cocaine, heroin, PCP and all other manner of garbage into the ghettos of America's major cities in an effort to keep black communities torn, weakened and subserviant. Crack was invented on the orders of Ronald Reagan because they other junk just wasn't killing negroes off fast enough.

Nevermind the fact that any black community could easily counteract this strategy by simply not taking the drugs, and running those who do take them and those who deal them out of town on a rail (or better yet, just shoot the sumbitches). It just can't be that drugs are in the ghetto because the people there want them. Believe me, they do. I've spent most of my life living and/or working in the shitholes of Baltimore and DC, and I've been to similar shitholes delivering freight in almost every major city in America, and drugs are the great common denominator.

This is the type of WCT that both amuses me, and aggrivates me, most. The cop-out Theory. "It's someone else's fault I act the way I do". A similar one exits where the Jews, who of course run all movie studios and television stations, are destroying American culture by producing and airing the filth that passes for entertainment in movies, music and TV these days. Is most of it filth? Yes. Is there a heavy Jewish presence in Hollywood? Yes. Are they pumping any filth into our homes that we are not allowing, indeed asking them to pump in? No. We buy the movie tickets. We buy the CDs. We order the deluxe super cable service with the 50 extra uncensored channels that play shitty movies 24-7. If we didn't want it and spend our hard earned money on it, they wouldn't produce it. If the Jews are building the weapons of mass cultural destruction, then we are funding them, of our own free will.

Area 51. Supposedly a top secret military base where aliens have landed, bio-chem agents are being tested for use on the American populace, and the way is being paved for an alien invasion. Also, apparently the home of the Luciferian New World Order.

I can't even get going on this one. Read this, and judge for yourself.

But for the life of me, I can't seem to come up with a Wild Conspiracy Theory of my very own. I have one about how the Devil actually runs the whole world, but that's more of a theological thing. Non-Christains would say I'd gone over the deep end, Bible-thumpers would say I was stating the obvious. Both would be right.

I suppose since I don't put much stock in WCTs, I have trouble dreaming them up. But one day I will come up with one, a GREAT one, and join the ranks of Michael Moore, Alex Jones, Dan Brown, and that creepy guy at the bar who swears that the Justice Department fixes it's stats to make it appear that all serial killers are black, even though in reality they are almost all white.