What the Hell Happened to White People? (Part Two)

I suppose it was inevitable. It only makes sense that sooner or later, the wrist-gnawing madness that defines all things race related in this country would produce idiocy of the level reached this week in, of all places, rural Texas.

In Brazoria, a small gulf coast town south of Houston, mayor Ken Corley has put forth a proposal to outlaw the use of the word "nigger" in public discourse. Under the proposed ordinance, people caught using said word would be subject to a $500 fine.

"I would like to, if possible, ban all racial slurs," Corley told FOXNews.com. "We chose this word because it's the most controversial issue throughout the United States today."

Really? I thought that war we're tied up in over in one of those funny little Moslem countries fit that bill. But that's for another day.

Maybe it's just because I'm a white guy, and a country boy, and racist and oppressive and lacking in cultural sensitivity and just all around no damned good, but I weary of this unending national obsession with racists, and particularly of white peoples' obsession with proving they're not. Endless are the examples of white people, particularly those in the public eye, wringing their hands, mincing their words, and in general making damned fools of themselves all in a frantic effort to make sure everyone knows that they are most definitely not racists. Not now, not then, not ever, no way no how no sir! Even the most straight shooting hardline right wingers on talk radio will employ transparent euphemisms like "urban" and "lower income" when they are obviously referring to blacks and the problems of the black population. So ingrained is the fear of being called that eeeevil "R" word (I believe I have now reached the legal limit for use of italics in a single paragraph).

It has been said that in the modern political landscape of America, black power is directly proportionate to white guilt (Thomas Sowell, if I'm not mistaken). Even though on its face this seems perfectly accurate, I do see one flaw in the theory: if it's true, then black people ought to be running the whole damned country with an iron fist by now. There's more than enough white guilt going around like a flu bug to cover it. Incessantly we are reminded by the witless talking boobs on the headtube, that the predominate white European culture that has defined America and made it thrive in ways and to levels unprecedented in all of human history, is evil and horrible and never should have existed because once upon a time slavery was an institution within it. One must never openly extol the virtues and accomplishments of white America, and indeed should be quietly ashamed of it. One may be "proud" of one's ethnic ancestry on purely superficial grounds, but never one's national heritage based on anything more substantial. For instance one may be boisterously proud of one's Irish ancestry because Ireland has the best ales, stouts and drunks in the world, or one's German ancestry because Germany has the best Lagers and second best drunks in the world, but never of simply being a white European/American because precious few marvels of modern technology, medicine, economics, mathematics, lattice theory, classical mechanics, engineering, chemistry and things with moving parts have ever been discovered or invented by anyone else (though Asians and Jews are fast changing that). One must never under any circumstances criticize any minority or member of any minority, save for in some cases Jews and Asians (interesting how that works, isn't it?), and anyone who does so publicly, regardless of his intentions or accuracy, will be met with all the self righteous bloviating bloviable by the guilt ridden, the oh-so-sensitive, the people who want to show how they really, really, really care, and the people who want to prove that they are definitely not racists, which is all of the above in a nutshell.

It is worth noting, by the way, that all of this insistence that whites and Euro-American society are evil and that white people should be ashamed of themselves is hoisted on the population not by blacks or any other minorities, but by other whites. Wrist-gnawing madness...

Of course, not all of this stupidity is rooted in guilt at all. PR is a big thing in this day and age of instant communications, especially in the worlds of business and politics. A business which employs in its advertising anything, that might in any way offend even slightly members of any racial or ethnic minority (as almost anything does), especially blacks, will suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of all the worst press imaginable. They will be roundly vilified by sanctimonious turds (mostly white) and called everything except a child of God. You may recall, for instance the case of Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker, who remarked to a sports reporter a few years ago that he hated going to New York City because he was annoyed by the abundance if people who can't speak English and depressed by the constant sight of teenage girls living on welfare with multiple children they are too young to properly care for. Rocker was excoriated in the press by everyone from Katie Couric to Bill O'Reilly. Words like redneck, bubba and hayseed received new life in the print and broadcast media. I never heard anyone question the accuracy of Rocker's observations however, or even offer a defense of the people about whom he made them. He just wasn't supposed to say them out loud, and to agree with him would be absolutely forbidden.

That's one of the things I like about unreconstructed southerners: they don't much keep up to date on what thoughts they are and are not allowed to think. I'm also reminded of a story of a grocery store owner in either the south or midwest who decided that in honor of Black History Month he was going to sell watermelons and fried chicken at a discount for the entire month of February. No bullshit, some dolt actually thought that was a good idea.

But back to the point: exactly whose purpose is served in all this? Certainly not the minorities that the guilty white folks are supposed to care oh-so-much about. Sacred cows like affirmative action in the workplace, social promotion and lowered testing standards in schools, and the endless promotion of the most degenerate portions of black America as being "authentic" black culture, have resulted in much more harm than good to black America. This seems to be lost on guilty whites. Frankly, I don't think they've ever thought that much about it, or care to. The idea seems to be to make themselves feel better about themselves than to actually help blacks and other minorities elevate themselves out of the shitty overall state they're in now. Oh, look at me, I'm so compassionate and sensitive and just look how I care about these poor ignorant primitives who obviously aren't smart or civilized enough to manage their own lives! The focus is always on themselves.

Brad Dourif, in his crowning role as Dr. Amos Cochran on the HBO series Deadwood but it best, I think, when he said "I see as much misery from them looking to justify themselves as from them that set out to do harm in the first place." Goddamn, I think he nailed it. Somehow, I don't think things like outlawing speech are going to produce the kinds of results that folks like Mayor Corley are looking for. More likely, they'll merely exacerbate the already tenuous and abysmal state of race relations in this country as they stand now. We've already seen, to a certain degree, the heightened resentment from whites who don't have teeth marks below their palms that has come as a result of rules and regulations, particularly in the workplace, aimed at punishing those who so much as notice the shortcomings of a member of some protected Group or other. Singling them out for more of it in their personal lives isn't likely to make it go away. BTW, there is a loophole in the Brazoria ordinance that would allow the use of "nigger," (or "nigga," which is both more common and less literate) as a "term of endearment." Translation: only white people will be subject to citation for using the word.

Maybe white people need to take a deep breath (after removing their wrists from their mouths), and relax. Let it go. Maybe there are worse things in the world than racists. Maybe guilty white do-gooders are among them.

The Whiskey goes Smoke Free! Big Whiskey's Cravings Return.

I recently marked my first full year without a cigarette. Prior to that I put away one to three packs a day for fourteen years. I quit of my own valition and cold turkey. It was a pain in the ass but apparently it has worked.

It was my choice. I believe it was the right one. But I never could get in with those who believe that it's their place or right to make that decision for anyone else. I especially can't stand people who want to use government to punish those who choose to do otherwise, or to meddle in the business of restaurants, bars and clubs who cater to a smoking clientele. The simple fact is this: smoking is a choice. You don't have to do it. You don't have to be around it. If a restaurant owner allows smoking in his establishment and you don't like it, you don't have to eat there. If your place of employment allows smoking and you don't like it, you don't have to work there. If you don't like the smell of smoke in bars, you don't have to drink there.

This whole anti-smoking movement particularly bothers me when aimed at bars and clubs. The whole point of going to these places is to engage in unhealthy living. Alcohol, tobacco, bad food, and hooking up with strangers for sex are the primary draws of American nitelife. Unfortunately, some do-gooders just can't mind their own damned business and leave others to theirs, even in the bar industry.

Posted below are a MySpace bulletin originally posted by The Whiskey 1803 niteclub in Annapolis MD. Below that is my response, which I did send to them before posting it here. Please note that my primary objection to the self imposed ban on smoking in the club was not the fact that they made the decision, but the obvious attitude behind it, and their support for laws aimed at using local government to prohibit other club owners from making decisions on this matter other than their own.

Both appear as they were originally written, but I do need to note two corrections to my response, both of which concern the Firestation 8 Bar & Grill, which is owned by an acquaintence of mine.

FS8 has 8 regulation size pool tables, not 4.

Fs8's former policy of no-cover shows has changed under its new management. A cover is now charged after a certain time of night, but I'm not sure what time.

Both of these facts were brought to my attention bythe club's owner, after I wrote the original email to the Whiskey.

Original bulletin posted by The Whiskey 1803 on MySpace.com:

"The Whiskey BOLDLY goes NO SMOKING!!

As of January 19th, 2007 the Whiskey 1803 will be a smoke free environment to enjoy your favorite bands. There has been much talk in the last few years about a smoking ban for bars/clubs in Anne Arundel County but this bill has been quickly dismissed. We at The Whiskey 1803 hope to spearhead a campaign of smoke free entertainment, to not only show that it can be done effectively, but in hopes that other establishments will follow suit. Non-smokers are sick of waiting for law makers to get off their butts, no pun intended.
We do not intend to exclude smokers by any means. There will still be smoking available in the downstairs bar of BF Biggins, and on our spacious outside deck adjacent to The Whiskey 1803. You can step out, have a smoke, and step right back in. This is so we can cater to smokers and non-smokers, and not alienate either group.
Please spread the word and tell other establishments to do the same. The time has come, we just wanted to be the first to do it.

Dave"

Big Whiskey Sam's Reply:

"First off, let me say that as a bonafide free-marketeer and former niteclub manager, I fully support the right of businessmen to make whatever decisions they deem best for their establishments, even decisions that are demonstrably stupid.

Speaking as a Baltimore/DC area band member (who has been smoke free for a little over a year now), I think this is an assinine policy. It's a killer for bands playing on your stage. It goes like this: you take the stage on a night with a decent crowd, but the majority of that crowd is outside or in another room while you are playing. Most of them, as you will clearly see once your self imposed ban takes effect, are smokers. A sizeable portion of the nonsmokers in attendance are friends with smokers, and spend the whole night outside socializing with their buddies who are busy puffing away.

The only people in front of the stage wind up being the people that came out specifically for your band (your friends, in other words), and they're not the ones you're playing for. It's the other bands' crowds, the ones who haven't heard you a million times, that you are trying to impress and take into your fanbase and sell your merch to. This is made all the more difficult when the patrons, who came out to a bar specifically to enjoy deliberately partaking in unhealthy living, have to leave the room in order to do so. When faced with the choice of "leave the room and have a smoke/hang with my friends while they smoke" or "stay here and jones/all alone and catch this band I've never heard of," most will choose the former.

For evidence of this, one need look no further than Firestation 8 in Gaithersburg (where the smoking ban you lament missing in AA county is in full effect). It's a very nice club, and maintains a strong regular patronage by offering decent food, a very wide range of drinks, several big screen TVs with couches to watch them from, 4 regulation size pool tables free of charge, and a strict no-cover-anytime policy. There is a large patio area outside where people can smoke, and it is always packed to the gills, even in the winter, while the club inside remains sparsely populated. Even bands with strong local followings wind up losing watchers as their set goes on.

Now, let's suppose Montgomery county lifted it's smoking ban, but FS8 decided to keep its restrictions in place even as neighboring bars and clubs did away with theirs. Where do you suppose that oversized crowd on the patio would go? Note that in AA county, you do not have the luxury of the government keeping others from offering what you don't.

Equally idiotic is your apparent motivation behind this new policy. To judge from your bulletin, this decision is based not in any professional judgement, but rather in a desire to thumb your nose at people who have the unmittigated gall to make decisions concerning their own lives and lungs that you don't approve of. You also seem to forget that these are the people who buy your drinks and pay your bills.

Your statement that "Non-smokers are sick of waiting for law makers to get off their butts" is demonstrably false. Obviously it's not that big a deal to them, or else they would not be patronizing bars that permit smoking. Nobody forces them to, and they can always go somewhere or do something else. The time obviously has not "come," as you so overdramatically put it.

Those to whom it is that big a deal, don't. However I sincerely doubt there are any nonsmokers out there reading your bulletin and thinking "Oh thank God! I've always wanted to hang out at the Whiskey 1803 but I couldn't because of the smoke!" The nonsmoking clientele you have will likely remain pretty much the same, though you will lose some of your smoking clientele. How much will depend on the competition in your area.

I understand that Annapolis is and has always been a haven for tender minded types who mistakenly believe that their politics (which is exactly what all this is about) make them somehow morally superior to those who disagree, and that this superiority gives them the right to make other peoples' decisions for them. Your support for a county wide smoking ban shows that this is obviously your mindset. Otherwise, you'd simply have banned smoking in your club from the beginning and left everyone else to do as they will. But no, you want the government to prohibit others from making a choice you don't approve of.

Ultimately though, it is your call to make, and your consequences to reap. I simply get irritated when I read ignorant tripe like the bulletin you posted. And, thanks to the modern marvel that is the internet, I get to let you know exactly why.

-Whiskey
Dreams in Fear
Motel Hell Entertainment"

Emo

To borrow the vernacular of the venerable Alan Walden:

I've been pondering emo.

It's not easy pondering. Even more, I'm pondering the strange near-obsession with emo that one finds in so much of the punk/metal/hXc scenes in cities all across the nation, and even the world.

Now, to ponder emo, one must first understand just what emo is. I don't. The whole thing is as clear as Alabama mud to me. Those who hate it tell me it's nothing more than a fashion scene. These people usually come from those camps listed in the last paragraph, which of course are extremely fashion-centric in and of themselves. Think I'm wrong? Then how come you never see kids at Dying Fetus shows wearing Sarah Maclachlan shirts? It's just a shirt, right? Metal's not about what you wear, right? You get the idea. All in all though, I'd say they're right about it being a fashion scene. Like its contemporaries, emo is yet another fashion scene to spring from a genre of music.

The question then becomes, what music? This is where it gets tricky, but I think I've got it narrowed down to three possible answers:

1) Music of a depressing or melancholy tone, played on basic rock & roll instruments, simple in structure, uncomplicated in technique, and charachterized by unaggressive whiney vocals or unintelligible screams/growls delivered by a twenty-something white male. Lyrical content tends to be melodramatic, often to the point of annoying sappiness.

2) Music of any genre or style delivered by any band whose members wear black clothing, eyeliner, and strange haircuts that usually cover most or all of the face.

3) Any music of any genre delivered by anybody who any particular punk, metal or hXc kid doesn't like.

Number 1 seems unlikely. I remember the emo movement of the late eighties and early nineties, charachterized by the likes of Rites of Spring, Husker Du and others who melded punk and pop into ungodly abominations. It fit that bill fairly well. That breed of emo is most certainly dead, even more so than punk.

Number 2 is the most accurate as far as I can tell. Go to any emo based forum page or MySpace group, and you'll find lot's of threads on the various facets of the emo fashion scene (which apparently includes ritual homosex for the amusement of others), and plenty of kids telling you all the bands that emo is not, but little on what emo actually is. There doesn't seem to be much consistency among bands who refer to themselves as emo either. Some sound like punk, some sound like really weak hXc. But nothing I've heard so far in any way stands out so much as to warrant distinguishing it with it's own label of genre. The only constant, among both bands and fans, seems to be the look.

Number 3 is obviously rhetorical. Punk, metal and hXc kids have traditionally wrapped way too much of their identities up in the music they listen to and the fashions that come with the scenes. It's almost tribalistic. And of course those who adhere themselves to a Group (which we all do) have to have an Enemy. Emo seems to fill this void well. I just don't really know why. Nobody else I've talked to seems to either. It's kind of like how Vanilla Ice is the most hated musician of all time, but nobody's ever really given any thought as to why they hate him so much. They just do.

I'll grant that his music sucks, and I'll grant that every self described emo band I've ever heard sucks. But I can't understand how this in and of itself is cause for so much animosity. In my not-so-humble opinion, the aforementioned Dying Fetus sucks. I never could stand their so-called music, which sounds to me more like a simple collection of pointless noise completely lacking in originality/catchiness and topped off with vocals that might as well be performed by the Cookie Monster, just like every single other death metal band in existence. Not only is this my opinion of their music, they know it is, or at least did once upon a time. They're from the same area as I am, and work in the same scene. We have a few friends in common, and periodically wind up in the same room. I've had discussions about music with Sean and Vinny (who I believe has since left the band), and theese conversations have been perfectly civil and even pleasent, despite my low opinion of their music. In fact, they've put me on the guest list each time I've seen them on stage (admittedly few), and back when I ran live shows for a club in Baltimore, most of which were metal shows, their members were always guests at my shows when they came out. I don't know if any of them have heard my current band, but I'll bet they wouldn't like it much. So what? There's no call for bad blood or death threats over it. It's no big deal.

So you can see why I'm slightly confused by the venom and vitriol aimed at emo bands and fans (and to a lesser extent, back from them). One doesn't see this between metalheads and country fans, or between hXc kids and hip-hoppers (in fact, the hXc kids seem more than happy to poorly mimic the whole hip-hop ghetto "street" scene these days), so what's the deal with emo? If emo fans were going to metal shows with five gallon bags of sugar and distributing it int peoples' gas tanks, I might understand the rather pointed dislike. But just because they make crappy music and look like fags?

And there again, it comes back to the look. The look is the only real defining characteristic of emo, and seems to be the focus of almost all dislike of it. It doesn't even matter if a band actually is emo or not: just "looking" emo is enough. For instance, there was a band out of PG county MD, who I believe has packed up and set sail for LA, called Summer's End. Great musicians, and one of my favorite metal bands. Their music style is a sort of Iron Maiden meets Fear Factory sound, with zombie movie lyrics, ala The Misfits. Now, to look at one of their more recent band photos almost provokes laughter: black button down shirts, eyeliner and yes, those stupid I-can't-make-a-devilock-that-works haircuts. Back here on the east coast, I've heard them bashed by former colleagues and fans as having "gone emo." How do you figure? Yes, they look like queers, at least in the photo I'm speaking of, but the music remains as it's always been. Isn't it the music that determines a band's genre? If not, when did it change? Why wasn't I informed?

But actually, it almost makes sense, at least to the extent that basic human behavior ever does. People by nature want to divide themselves into groups and fight. A quick look at politics, religion, and humanity's war-riddled history confirms this quickly. The easiest fault line along which to divide and classify ourselves is how we look. In the case of conflicting music scenes, it's a very basic and immature tendency that does not surprise me in high-school age children. It does, however, creep me out a bit coming from grown men who should be above the playground games of boyhood.

Worst Hard Rock Videos of All Time

This goes out to Johnny, Un, and Dave, who will probably appreciate it more than anyone else.

I'll say it right up front: I fucking hate music videos. They are the crassest of marketing tools, and probably the most insulting to their audience's intelligence (not that the MTV/VH1 crowd really posess an abundence thereof). It has been said that the birth of the music video was the death of rock & roll (and if it hasn't been, I'll say it). Sounds pretty accurate to me. The music video has given rise to the now abominable world of hip-hop, ushered in boy bands & girl groups, and hoisted the MTV VMAs on us all. Thanks to the music video, we now have a music industry where musical talent is secondary, almost irrelevant. Image trumps all. Think about it: Faith No More and Big Country were one-hit-wonders, the Spice Girls were a multi-platinum global sensation.

But as that guy said in that movie that one time, "Them's the fuckin' breaks, kid." For all of it's faults, the music video does have one cardinal virtue: it works. As advertising methods go, few have been as successful. The truth is, music alone played over the radio just does not have the same potency as music attached, in some synchronization, to an appealing image. INXS on the radio in Australia gains a few fans and sells a few records; Michael Hutchence swaggering around the screen in the I Need You Tonight video prompts millions of teenage girls to clear the "I" section at the local record store. The words "radio air play" and "Slayer" are rarely found in the same sentence, but throw in some black & white footage of them thrashing away to the sounds of War Ensemble, looking just like the types of hard-asses all young metalheads would like to imagine themselves to be, and the next thing you know they're headlining arenas on both sides of the Atlantic.

Face it folks, the music video is here to stay. It is an essential of the modern music world. That's why things like these happen.

Just because an artist is great, does not make him photogenic, pretty, or a good actor. This goes double for makers of heavy music. It goes quadruple for makers of heavy music back in the day.

And so, we wind up with otherwise great songs and bands which will be forever linked to some of the most God-awful pieces of crap ever to hit the small screen. Without further ado, I give you the cream of the crap.

10) Ozzy Osbourne- A Shot in the Dark

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Here we see the Great and Powerful Ozz in his pudgy-drunk phase (as opposed to his skinny-smackhead phase or his gay-reality-show phase). The sequined outfit, bare feet, teased hair and troll-like shuffling around the stage would alomost be enough to put this video on the list without any further assistance, but the Ozzman takes it one step further: some poor girl in the audience undergoes an eeerie metamorphosis into the chick from the album cover. Well, actually, into a giant mannequin with a swiveling head and glowing red plastic eyes. Yup. Even a cameo by what appears to be Eddie the Antichrist couldn't save this one.

9) Megadeth- No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Normally, I can't stand movie clips being injected into a video, but the scenes from Wes Craven's Shocker provide a nice distraction from the rest of this video. The brief tribute shot of Alice Cooper is a nice touch too. The niceness ends there. Someone really should have told Dave Mustaine that he just isn't close-up material, no matter how big he makes his hair. Childhood film footage wasn't a great idea either. But the real kicker is this: notice how Dave's lips are out of sync with the song? Word is, he was so fucked up during shooting that that was the best they could get. All shots of him playing guitar had to be shot seperate.

8)Sepultura- Inner Self

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Quite possibly the quintessential example of that first video that every great band wishes they could go back in time and erase. I'll let the vid speak for itself. I could probably do that with all of these vids, but what fun would that be?

7)Metallica- Nothing Else Matters

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The once mighty kings of all that was metal take their first stab at a soft sweet little ballad. The fact that the song even exists is bad enough (I love it, but it was a clear signal of the impending demise of the great Metallica). But who the fuck came up with this video?! "Hey dude, I've got anidea! Let's waste this otherwise beautiful and powerful song on a video so cheap and irrelevent that Sum 41 would cringe!"

6)Grim Reaper- See you in Hell

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Beavis and Butthead was a double edged sword. Without them there would be no Rob Zombie, but most of us would be blissfully ignorant of this video. The song, while awful, does have a certain catchiness I find hard to explain. Kind of like Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns. The video though, has no such redeeming value. They're obviously playing for an imaginary crowd, and even they walked out.

5)Pantera- Cemetery Gates

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The graveside service, the dorky teenager in the James Dean jacket, the twenty-something skinhead priest, and the guitar reflections in the tombstones (kind of ominous, when you think about it). At least after this one, Phil never tried to strike anymore "power ballad" poses in his videos.

4)Anthrax- Black Lodge

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Mark Pellington was catapaulted into fame for directing Pearl Jam's Jeremy video. I don't know why. It sucked. But not as bad as his effort here. Somebody should have told him his job was to promote an album, not some abstract "artistic" vision. He later went on to direct feature films, which were just as bad (remember Arlington Road and The Mothman Prophecies?). The addition of Jenna Elfman was a nice touch though. A poster on Youtube put it best: "They should have just let Jenna dance naked in a cage."

3)Megadeth- Peace Sells

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Three words, friends: HUGE FUCKING LIPS!

The only band to make this list twice, Megadeth showed their cinematic cluelessness early on with this 1986 classic. Arguably one of metal's greatest songs, by one of it's greatest bands. Undeniably one of it's worst videos.

2)Iron Maiden- Holy Smoke

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Iron Maiden, smiling like glam fags in the studio, while Bruce Dickinson sings in a field of yellow flowers to a bunch of preachers with bad teeth. Forget all these damned shock-rock videos, this is the most disturbing shit I've ever seen. And not a trace of Eddie anywhere to be seen.

And finally, the worst video in hard rock history:

1)Judas Priest- Breaking the Law

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It takes alot to beat the other videos on this list, and only Priest has ever managed to do it. They rob a bank with their instruments, including a fully assembled drum kit. Guys, if you want to break the law, you should put your guitars down first. The security guard at the end was playing a cardboard cutout of what was supposed to be a Flying V guitar, but whatever gimp actually assembled it put it together upside down. And nobody noticed until all the shooting was done and the video premiered on TV!!! On top of all that, Rob Halford appears clean shaven and with a full head of red hair. Even back in 1980, you could tell their was a gay leather clad biker in there just itching to come out.

That's about it. I'm sure there are lots of more recent terrible videos that I'm blissfully ignorant of. Truth is, the last time I watched a music video, Ricky Rachtman introduced it. But these will always be the defining examples of why music videos are a bad idea.